


Inspirations

by TheWayLifeShouldBe



Category: Dear Evan Hansen, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Multi, OC, Oc x Major Character, Oc x Minor character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 13:58:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWayLifeShouldBe/pseuds/TheWayLifeShouldBe
Summary: OKAY SO FEELS oof. okay so these are all based off of one or more songs from Dear Evan Hansen, it doesn't matter which order you read this in, they're not really working from one to the other. They don't have even the same story lines from one to the other! Enjoy and try not to cry and ruin your devices





	1. Waving through a Window

Dear Anastasiya Nikiforov,

Today’s going to be a good day… and here’s why. It’s a new school, no one knows you know one knows who you are. You can start over and really be yourself. It’s going to be a good day today, just stay positive and make friends. Make your uncles proud! You’re going to do great today.

Sincerely, your best friend,

Me.

 

Sometimes it was hard to type without being able to move my wrists but writing was even worse with the cast. I printed off my letter and hole punched it before putting it in the binder that I had full of these letters. My uncle Viktor was a licensed therapist and insisted that I always write these letters every morning to myself. After my mom and dad died things have been always really weird. I was sent to the other side of the country to live with my uncles. 

“Ana banana! You don’t want to be late to your first day!” Yuuri called from the bottom of the staircase. Viktor and Yuuri had been married since I was a kid, they loved each other more than I ever thought two people could love each other. I grabbed my book bag and slung it over my left arm. There they stood in front of the door, Yuuri held my lunch and Viktor only smiled at me. Viktor was my father's brother and Yuuri was his husband, they supported all my decisions, helped me in any way possible. 

“Did you write a letter today?” Viktor asked kindly. 

“Yep, it’s in my binder on my bedside table if you wanna read it.” I replied. 

“We will talk after school okay? Oh! Why don’t you take a sharpie today and get people to sign your cast?” In retrospect that was probably a really good idea, if I had friends. “Ana?” He offered me a sharpie. 

“Right, sorry Vitya. I was just thinking…” I took the sharpie and smiled as I put it in the side pocket of my bookbag. As I go to leave Yuuri puts my lunch in my bookbag and smiled. 

They kissed the top of my head “have a good day sweetie. You’re going to do great.” They say and pass me the car keys. 

“Thanks guys, I love you.” I kiss their cheeks and walk out. I've learned to slam on the brake, before I even turn the key, before I make the mistake. Before I lead with the worst of me. Give them no reason to stare no slipping up if you slip away so I got nothing to share no, I got nothing to say. I pull out of the driveway and look down at my gps, it starts giving me instructions on how to make it to my school. 

The drive is quiet, the town seems really quiet like a really great place to live, I draw in a deep breath as a park the car. I step out and look around. I wondered where i would mostly fit in. I was athletic, so I guess the athletic kids? Maybe the art students because I sew. As I walked in the school I saw a group of kids hanging out by a set of lockers.  _ Breathe _ . I was already overwhelmed with the sheer amount of students. Kids ran through the door knocking into me, I was about to trip and fall before I felt someone pull me out of the way. “Fucking freshman.” Spat the teen. 

I looked at him. He was  _ tall,  _ blond, wore a plain black hoodie black shirt and black jeans. “Th-thank you.” I sputtered. 

“Yeah no worries. My name is Yuri.” He said. 

I held out my arm, “wanna… maybe sign my cast?” 

“Sure, I’ve never seen you around, you new?” He asked. 

“Uh, Yeah… my mom and dad died in a car accident this summer and I obviously couldn’t like live on my own, so I had to move here with my uncles…” I rambled. “They’re really great, maybe overbearing but one of them is also my therapist so I guess it’s just a weird dynamic so yeah… I’m I am definitely new”

“You, talk a lot don’t you?”

“Sorry I ramble…” 

“Nah don’t worry about it. You’re new you’ll make friends pretty quick. We don’t get many new kids. You’re a sophomore?”

“What? No I’m a senior.” 

He blinks at me, “wait, what? Really?” He almost laughs. 

“Anastasiya Nikiforov.” I shake his hand 

“Wait you said your uncle was a therapist? He wouldn’t happen to be Viktor would he?” He asked. 

“Y—eah?” I replied.

“Oh I do a co-op with him, I wanna help in the same way he does so I guess we will be seeing you lots.” He laughed and scratched the back of his neck. “Right, well if you ever need anything, let me know I’ll see if I can help.”

“Th—thanks…” I smiled as he handed my sharpie back. I walked down a set of stairs and towards the office. There was a group of girls in the office waiting, huddled around each other. I’m on the outside, always looking in will I ever be more than I've always been? _'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window_. I walk into the office and up to the receptionist, she doesn’t notice me. “H-hi? I… I’m new here and I was wondering if I could get a map…. maybe?” I ask. She still doesn’t hear me. _I try to speak, but nobody can hear._ _So I wait around for an answer to appear while I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?_

“Hi, my name is Elena, I’m student body president!” One of the girls step out of the group and smiles. “What’s your name.”

“I need a map!” I blurt out. They laugh at me and I clear my throat, visually uncomfortable. “I… I’m sorry…” I whispered. Finally the receptionist looked up. “Can I help you?” The woman asked 

“I uh need a map of the school please? I just I’m new and I don’t know where anything is and I wanna know how to not be late for class please?” I rambled. 

“No problem sugar, what’s your name?” She asked. 

“Anastasiya Nikiforov…” I said softly.

“Oh you’re the one that the gays took in.” One of Elena’s girls said. I winced. Were people that unaccepting? They were just trying to live their lives. The receptionist handed me a map, along with my class schedule. I snatched it up quickly and thanked her before I ran out of the office. I bit back tears as I hit down harder and harder on the inside of my bottom lip. I pushed through the crowds and just as I was about to run into a bathroom a hit a hard surface. I stumbled back and tripped, he grabbed my arm and pulled me upright. 

“We gotta stop meeting this way.” He mused. People around us looked at us funny. They muttered amongst themselves but everyone in the immediate area was nearly silent. 

_ We start with stars in our eyes we start believing that we belong but every sun doesn't rise, and no one tells you where you went wrong. Step out, step out of the sun If you keep getting burned. Step out, step out of the sun because you've learned, because you've learned…  _

“He’s going to kill her for bumping into him…” I heard someone whisper. I was still trying to keep myself together. 

“Hey come on.” He took my hand and led me through a few halls. “Something is off with you.” He offered, in a tone that wasn’t exactly  _ nice _ . 

“Ouch…” I grumbled. 

“I don’t mean it like that. Look I’ve been taking psych courses since I got into high school. All I mean is you’re rambly, and you look like you’re going to burst into tears at any given moment. You’re… not a neurotypical are you.” 

“I’ve just got really bad anxiety Yuri it’s fine I’m fine I just had a bad experience in the office and it’s all new here and I just miss my mom and dad that’s all…” I said weakly. “Okay, come let’s find a quiet place to sit and talk.” He led us through a long hallway and at the end of it was a big computer room. We sat in the corner at two computers. I took out my laptop and inhaled deeply. “So what I’m the only person who’s signed your cast?” He asked. 

“Yeah…you’re the only person who’s said anything halfway nice to me.” I said meekly. 

I turned my computer on and opened up Microsoft word and plugged in my data stick. A message popped up, 

 

  1. Nikiforov,



Good letter this morning we love you, have a good day. 

 

I let out a sigh and switch back over to my blank document. My fingers fly across the keys. “How did you break your arm?” He asked. 

Itensed and cleared my throat “it was uh…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable about it, I was just asking because I was curious.” He replied. That was good because I really didn’t want to say anything. 

 

_ On the outside, always looking in will I ever be more than I've always been? 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear so I wait around for an answer to appear while I'm watch, watch, watching people pass waving through a window, oh _ __  
_ Can anybody see, is anybody waving? _ _  
_ __ When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It's like I never made a sound… Will I ever make a sound?

 

I could feel the vault in my chest open and spilling into my words. “I tried to kill myself.” I whispered. “After the accident I really fell off the wagon. I was working for a national park, it was late one night just a couple days after the accident. I just wanted to end everything. The idea of never being able to hold my baby brother, never seeing my mother again, never getting to go skating with my dad, or never having him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding I just couldn’t imagine a world like that.” My voice trailed off. “I still can’t. My dad was my best friend, he made it to every recital: dance, violin, piano, and any skating competition. He was my biggest supporter.” I answered and let out a soft sigh. 

“Oh my god, Anastasiya…” he let out a worried noise. “How are… how are you now?”

“Well I talk to Viktor every morning before school, and every evening before bed, and well it’s definitely been helping, but there are some things that are hard to talk to him about.” He just looked at me, a pitiful look, not something I ever wanted to see from anyone. That was the point of moving. No one knew who I was. Here I wasn’t the girl who’s parents died. 

“I… I’m sorry, if you want someone you can tell anything to let me know, I promise I won’t tell anyone.” He said gently. I looked at him and gave him a weak smile. I actually kind of appreciated that sentiment. Not that I would probably ever actually take him up on the offer, but still. “So, what is that your writing?” He asked, peeking over at my screen. 

“Oh this, sometimes I get a lot of emotions and I have to write them it helps a lot…” I explained. 

“What does this mean?”

“What does what mean?”

“The words, when your falling in a forest and there’s nobody around do you ever really crash or even make a sound?” 

“Oh, I guess it’s like a play off of the ‘if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it fall does it make a sound? I guess in the heat of the moment I realize I’m small, my voice is small, so I don’t imagine I’ll ever amount to much here. I just wanna go to school back in Russia and ignore my life here.” 

“Wow, that’s pretty deep.”

“Thanks, I’m thinking about writing a song about it?”

“You sing?”

“Not… great. But yeah.”

“Let me hear something!”

“Uh… o-okay…” I cleared my throat and looked at my computer screen before opening a new tab. I pressed play on the media and music started. I’d been working on this song and I finally had the lyrics written. 

Once the music started up I drew in a deep breath, “I've learned to slam on the brake. Before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake. Before I lead with the worst of me... Give them no reason to stare, no slipping up if you slip away. So I got nothing to share no, I got nothing to say...  
Step out, step out of the sun, if you keep getting burned. Step out, step out of the sun because you've learned, because you've learned...  
On the outside, always looking in, will I ever be more than I've always been? 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window I try to speak, but nobody can hear so I wait around for an answer to appear; while I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?  
We start with stars in our eyes we start believing that we belong but every sun doesn't rise and no one tells you where you went wrong.  
Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned step out, step out of the sun because you've learned, because you've learned.  
On the outside, always looking in, will I ever be more than I've always been? 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window I try to speak, but nobody can hear so I wait around for an answer to appear; while I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. I'm waving through a window, oh can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?  
When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? It's like I never made a sound will I ever make a sound?  
On the outside, always looking in, will I ever be more than I've always been? 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass waving through a window. I try to speak, but nobody can hear, so I wait around for an answer to appear while I'm watch, watch, watching people pass; waving through a window, oh can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me? (oh) Is anybody waving? Waving, waving, whoa-oh, whoa-oh” 

The music stopped and I looked at him and cleared my throat again, before closing my computer. “That….” he fell silent. “Was amazing, you wrote that?” 

“Y—yeah… I did, composed it too…” I replied. His grin grew bigger and bigger before he wrote something on a piece of paper. 

“Look, the truth is I’ve never had any friends, so I’m glad we got a new student. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re trapped so text me if you’re in trouble, call me if you feel like you’re about to snap. I want to be friends.” Yuri said holding out the paper. “It’s my cell, home phone, and my email.” 

“Thank you.”

 

Dear Ana N, 

Today’s going to be a good day, and here’s why: you’re getting your cast off today, you have an amazing job you go back to today, you and Yuri are going to be making things official. You have to ask the doctor if you can keep the part of the cast Yuri signed. But most importantly, you’re doing a lot better, I hope things never stop looking up for you, you’re really far along in your healing process. Proud of you every day.

Sincerely, me.

  
  
  


Dear Ana N, 

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why: graduation. Is there anything else to say other than you finally fucking made it!? You’re amazing, stay positive. 

Sincerely, me.

 

Dear Ana N,

Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. You start college today, it’s nothing overly special, you’ve been working really closely with the animal shelter you’re doing really good, it’s been almost a year since you and Yuri got together, you’re living together and doing really good. I am so proud of you.

Sincerely, me.

 

Dear Ana N,

Turns out, today was amazing! Yuri asked you to marry him so that’s happening! I was starting to wonder when that was going to happen! I’m so happy for you, and your dad would be over the moon excited for you. He’s watching over you every day. I can’t believe how much you’ve grown, how school has been going, you’ll be getting your degree soon! I’m so happy for you! Keep up the tremendous work.

Sincerely me.

 

Dear Ana P,

It’s been a while since you’ve written one of these hasn’t it? A few years now. You and Yuri got married, you got pregnant, more than once right? Never had any kids though, never could carry them. Doc’s said it had to do with your heart not being strong enough. I always wondered if being born premature would have some sort of outlier. Turns out, it is. You can’t have kids, and it sucks. I’m sorry about it. But we can’t control the hands life deals us, we can however control how we let it affect us. So what we can’t have kids there are other avenues: foster kids, adoption, whatever it is, you definitely should think about it. I hope you’re going to be okay. Yuri gets his second degree really soon right? Be a supportive wife. Good luck. Ganbatte.

Sincerely,

me.

  
  
  



	2. For Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Ana in "For Forever" He takes her to A La Mode for ice cream, and the apple orchard to laugh, and run around. To just be kids.

“Where are we going?!” She asked excitedly. 

“You’ll see when we get there! You’re going to love it. I promise.” Promised the driver, smiling at the excited, blindfolded passenger. 

“You know I hate surprises Yura.” She grumbled. 

“But you’re going to love this one, I promise, now hush!” He scolded. She huffed, and crossed her arms, “we have a stop coming up, you like ice cream right?”

“Who doesn’t?” She retorted, with a grin.

“People who are lactose intolerant.” He replied, sheepishly.

“Ooh, fair point~” she replied. 

It was the end of May or early June and a picture perfect afternoon as the two drove the winding country roads. The car slowed to a stop, she could hear the clicking of the blinker and felt the car turn into an unknown destination. “You can take off your blindfold. We’re here.” They were parked beside a small shack he opened the car door, and held her hand as he led her to the window. “I’ll have a piece of apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream please.” He said as he fumbled with his wallet. The woman inside the shack smiled. 

“You brought me all the way out here for apple pie and ice cream?” Asked the young blond.

“No I have more planned, the real time starts after we are done here.” Promised the young man. “Why don’t you go find us a place to sit Nastiya?” He offered. 

“Okay,” She said softly, leaving his side. To anyone outside looking in it would look like a date. The boy wore a pair of nice black jeans, a button down dress shirt and a leather jacket, his long blond hair was tied back leaving his fringe to shape his face. The young girl wore a pair of blue lowrider converse sneakers a blue sundress. A pair of large circle rimmed pink sunglasses sat atop her large brimmed straw sunhat Her long platinum silver coloured hair was braided down her right shoulder. She found a nice picnic table and tucked her dress under herself before she sat down. 

The truth was he’d been pining after her for months but she thought they were just friends. Today he would confess that’s what he told himself anyway.  _ Dear Yuri Plisetsky, today is going to be a good day and here’s why… Today is the day you’re going to ask Anastasiya out. I know she’s going to say yes, but even if she doesn’t reciprocate, you’ve at least gotten it out into the open. You’ll feel a lot better, maybe less stupid around her. Today will be a good day. I promise. Sincerely, me. _

Anastasiya had transferred to Yuri’s high school two years ago she moved with her uncles, who were granted full custody after her parents passed away. She could barely speak English but because Yuri was also Russian living in America he was immediately paired with her for everything. Honestly, at first it was a hassle but he eventually found himself having these feelings that swelled so much until they metastasized into something so  _ intense. _

He brought the pie over with two plastic forks, he smiled fondly as he sat across from her. “When I first moved here with my grandfather, it was a lot, I had so much to learn, but on days I just needed to feel  _ normal, _ we would come here.” He began. “But not just to this little ice cream shack in the middle of nowhere, no… somewhere so important. I can’t wait to show you. I have so much to show you.” 

She smiled at him as she took a bite. If eyes could actually go heart shaped, Yuri was sure that is exactly what would have happened to her. “So this place is important to you? Thank you for sharing it with me.” Yuri’s heart swelled as he saw her smile, he just admired her as she ate the pie, and before he knew it, it was gone. She made a soft noise and covered her mouth, “oh my goodness I’m so sorry I ate it all! You didn’t get any!” She gasped. “Let me buy you a piece okay?”

“That isn’t necessary Nastiya I bought it mostly for you, come on,” he picked the plate off the table and disposed of it in the trash. “Follow me!” He almost pulled her along, she laughed and ran next to him.

“Yuri! Where are we going?” She asked as he ran up the hill. It’s an open field that’s framed with trees, they pick a spot and shoot the breeze under a large apple tree, she smiles and looks out at the large yellow field. It seemed to go on for forever. “All I see is sky… for forever.” they let the world pass by for forever “feels like we could go on for forever this way…” Anastasiya put her sunglasses over her bright blue green eyes. 

“Come on,” he held his hand out to her. “Let’s walk.” He helped her stand and walked close to her, “this place has been closed down for a few years now, we had a field trip here one time in the third grade before they closed down, we got to pick as many apples as we wanted, it was an all day thing… we picked apples, and made little tartes, or little pies, or whatever we wanted to do. I come here when I’m overwhelmed or if something has been bothering me or if I’m frustrated… sometimes I just get all these emotions that I don’t know how to work through and if I don’t have anything to do I come here so I can work through my emotions.” He explained, fumbling over his words. 

“So what do you wanna do when you graduate next summer?” Anastasiya asked kindly. “I don’t really know what I want to do, I find it so hard to work through everything I’ve been through. I thought I knew what I wanted. But I’m so far from home and I miss my parents a lot. Viktor and Yuuri weren’t ready for kids when I was shoved at them. They didn’t know what to do, my mom was an only child, and Viktor was my only surviving relative. For months I was awful… but now, even though things have really calmed down, and I’ll be seventeen this year, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. How am I supposed to decide that? I’m just a kid with a lot of trauma that she barely knows how to work through. If there’s anything worthwhile here, it’s you.”

“I wouldn’t mind maybe biking the Appalachian Trail in Canada, that could be fun. Maybe I’ll write a book, learn to sail, wouldn’t that be cool?” Yuri said, half joking. “But I know what you mean, you don’t have to decide before graduation… you know that right? You can take a year off, figure out what you want. Maybe you’ll meet a sweet boy, someone who you just want to be with. Maybe you’ll meet someone who you just know is the one.” He said. “I feel like we can talk about anything.” He said warmly.

“I feel the same way Yura, but I already fancy someone,” she said softly. 

“Well, they are definitely lucky, you’re a really great girl, do I know them?” He asked

“Of course you do silly, you know everyone I know. But sometimes I feel like he and I will only ever just be friends. I know he doesn’t like me back…” 

“Well… screw him then, he is an idiot for not knowing.”

“ _ Heh… yeah… _ ” 

“Hey, Nastiya… why did the chicken hide in the closet?” 

“What? I don’t know why?”

“Because he’s gay.”

“Pfft, you’re so dumb!”

Anastasiya took his hand and grinned, pulling him down the hill, and through the overgrown grass. They laughed, and spun around carelessly before tripping and landing beside one another in the tall grass. Her hat tumbled off her head in the interim. They laid in the grass, smiles on their faces as they looked up at the sky. Yuri placed a hand in the top of her head, smiling fondly at the sky. 

“There’s no place else I’d rather be, than right here with you.” Yuri says tenderly.

“Me too.” She replied

They just sat in the grass and took in the view of everything in front of them from the trees to the grass even the way the clouds took shape in the summer sun. 

“I wish I could tell her just how much she means to me.”

“Who?”

“This girl I like, I never even realized how much I had actually fallen for her… she’s carefree and so warm and welcoming, and she is just so perfect in every way… but she’s so oblivious and doesn’t know but then again, I’ve never really told her how I feel… but like I just, these feelings I have I’ve never had them before, and I brought you here so you knew where to come if you get overwhelmed and I can’t be here for you.”

“Yura… are you okay?” 

“I mean kinda, yeah for sure…” his voice trailed off. “No, I’m not. God you’re oblivious.” He said, flabbergasted. 

She blinked in confusion, “I’m sorry? I’m just… we’re friends and I’m worried about you because like I care Yura, I just want you to be happy.”

“Then look me in the eyes and tell me you love me.” He sat up and looked at her. 

It was her turn, “I… I’m sorry… what?”

“I knew it was stupid to tell you.”

“You… haven’t told me anything that makes any sort of semblance of sense here! I am so confused Yuri I don’t… I don’t get it I don’t understand!” 

“It’s you Ana… it’s… it’s always been you.” Silence fell over them as he laid back down, letting out a shaky breath. She moved closer to him, resting her head on his stomach. She looked up at the sky and let out her own shaky breath. “I get it you like someone else so what was the point of telling you? Because I had to. I needed you to know how I felt—what I felt.” 

“Yuri Plisetsky. Shut up.” She said, a little harsher than intended. “Just stop okay… breathe. I  _ understand _ , believe me. I wasn’t sure I’d ever tell you, but now that you put everything out in the open, I can.” Anastasiya drew in a deep breath, “it’s you. I wasn’t sure when I started getting these feelings, but I have them now and I can’t just stop having them, especially now I know the truth.”

A silence fell over them again. They laid in the grass in silence, for a long time. It seemed like hours before anyone said anything again, they didn’t even speak. They were both running thoughts around their heads. She was the first to stand. He followed shortly after, taking her hand and leading her to the top of this large hill. A few hundred feet from the bottom in a large gully was a tree that stood, forty maybe fifty feet high. He ran down the hill and through the field right towards the tall tree. What was he doing. From across the field she heard him calling follow me  _ and so she did _ . There they go wondering how the world might look from up so high.

He’s the first to start climbing, he reaches a spot safely near the top of the tree. He basks in the comfort of the sun. She’s soon to follow, despite the dress. One foot after the other. One branch then to another. She climbs higher and higher she climbs until the entire sun shines on her face. She smiles at the warmth. The branch however isn’t as strong as she thinks; as she tries to pull herself up she suddenly feels the branch give way. As she’s falling everything seems to slow to a stop; he reaches out but he’s not fast enough. “Anastasiya!!” He calls out her name. She’s on the ground. Her arm goes numb. He can’t believe what just happened. 

Her eyes were closed as she laid in the grass the broken branch next to her. It’s numb, but there’s also a pain she had never felt before. She looks around and she sees him move to get her. He's come to get me. And everything's okay.    
Once he reaches the bottom he gingerly picks her up. “Are you okay!?” He asked hurriedly, worriedly.    
“I-I—it really hurts...” she whimpered.    
“Okay, breathe, I’ll take you to the hospital it’ll be okay...” he promised, running. He dashed through the tall grass running by the depressions in the grass from where they had ran through before.    
“Yura! My hat!” She yelped.  He skidded to a stop once he saw the straw hat, upside down in the grass, not far from where they admitted their feelings for one another. He places her hat on her head and continues back through to the car.    
“H-hey... Nastiya... wh-why did the duck cross the road?” He asked weakly, trying to keep her from a meltdown he could definitely see coming.    
“Wh-why?” She asked, meekly, trying to stay calm.    
“Because he didn’t want to be the chicken.”   
She laughed through the tears even though the joke wasn’t that funny.   
All they see is sky for forever; they let the world pass by for forever. Baby, you and I for forever this way, this way... All they see is light 'cause the sun burns bright.   
Finally they reached the car. Yuri was careful with her, making sure she kept her arm steady. He silently prayed that it was just a sprain, though from the different colours her arm was turning it wasn’t likely. He kept looking at her, making sure she was okay as he sped, with his four ways flashing. He swerved around cars, weaving through traffic. He just wanted to get her there safely. 

“Yuri be careful, we can’t get any help if we don’t get there alive. Please slow down.” She begged. 

“But it’s probably broken, which means after the shock wears off you’re going to be in a lot of pain, and I don’t want you to be hurt any more than you already are. I love you.” 

“Oh Yuri.” She said softly, shaking her head. 

 

Three hours in the waiting room, and she was finally seen by a doctor, the pain was immense, so they gave her something to help with that. They reset her arm, and hoped she wouldn’t need surgery. They put her in a cast, gave her a script for pain meds before sending her on her way. He opened the glove box and grabbed a sharpie once they got back to the car. He signed his name in huge letters. “Get some rest, I’ll be careful driving back home.” He kisses the top of her head and smiles. 

It doesn’t take long to relax once the pain medications are into her system, she leans against his shoulder as she dozes off. The world falls dark, and everything just seems okay. a

 


	3. The Suicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ana kills herself after years of trauma. Life was rocky, but little did she know... she'll never be forgotten.

“Hey..”

“What is it?”

“Why did the duck cross the road?”

“...Uh, I I don’t know… why?”

“Because he wanted to prove he wasn’t chicken.” 

 

“Her laugh was the prettiest thing I’d ever heard. I wished more people got the chance to hear it. I wish more people had gotten the chance to  _ hear her. _ She didn’t deserve what life gave her, she didn’t deserve to be made fun of so bad that she had to move across the damn country to just get away.” I said weakly. “Nobody deserves to be forgotten, no one deserves to be treated the way that she was. And to all the people saying how close you were to get second hand pity, shame on all of you. None of you knew her. None of you.” Emails flashed on the screen.

Dear Yuri,

We've been way too out of touch things have been crazy and it sucks that we don't talk that much. I’ve been getting bad again, I can see it in the way I’m looking at every day. No matter how many letters I write to myself I can never seem to actually think straight. I don’t want to let Viktor down any more than I already have. But it just it’s hard. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think, how to feel. I’m struggling.

Sincerely, 

Ana.

 

Dear Ana,

Hey now, I know its hard, that’s why I’m here, to help you through the tough bits. I promised I’d never leave your side. You’re my best friend Ana, I don’t want you to think you’re alone. You’ve not been at school for a few days. Orchard today? What do you think? It might help you to get out of the house. I know you haven’t been here long, and I know that the orchard was my thing but I know how much you love it there. I’m here Ana, I’m proud of you, just keep pushing through please. 

Sincerely,

Yuri.

 

Dear Yuri, 

Orchard sounds like a really great idea, my cast came off today, but I’m sorry I’ve not been at school lately, I just can’t get over how cruel everyone is. I don’t even think they realize how cruel they are. They just don’t understand what I’m going through, and its getting unbearable. How can people be so mean, its 2019 for fuck’s sake, aren’t we over being homophobic as millennials? I just wish people would be more loving. Anyway, Viktor said you could come over after school today, sorry I’ve not been there, I don’t know if I can really go back. 

Sincerely, 

Ana

Dear Ana,

Hey, don’t sweat it okay kiddo. I’m coming over now, I don’t care if the school day isn’t over. I don’t care that it’s only lunch. You need friends more than I need school. So I’ll come we can go to the orchard, stop at A la Mode and get ice cream and just relax, take in the view okay? Please just breathe. I’m coming. 

Yuri.

 

“It was hard watching your best friend get worse and worse, it was hard watching her medications fail her, something that was supposed to be fixing the issue only made it worse. She pretended to be okay with everyone, except me. And sometimes it was hard to see her meltdown after too many days of pent up emotions, but it was harder to watch as she went from being on top of a mountain to being at the bottom of the marianas trench unable to breathe while everyone else didn’t have any issues. I watched her hide things from her uncles, but she always promised to never hide anything from me, and I like to believe that she didn’t. She knew she could always talk to me. But if I’d known how bad it was. I wouldn’t have kept it to myself. I would have told someone. I would have gotten her help. I still think, I could have done more. I should have done more. I should have gotten her help.” I could feel myself falling apart on stage. It was getting harder and harder to talk. My throat swelled and emotions were raw. 

“Nobody understood her pain, don’t get me wrong I tried, I tried so hard to put myself in her shoes but fuck it was hard. I didn’t lose my parents. I wasn’t around long enough to ‘lose’ my parents. They died when I was little. My parents were my grandparents, I didn’t know any different. She lost both her mom and Dad when she was seventeen, she got shipped across the country to live with family, people who she knew but they weren’t Mom and Dad. That day those emails were exchanged was a week before she killed herself. I left school to take her to the Orchard. I didn’t want her to be alone.” I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks. 

 

That day was so important for the both of us. We stopped at A La Mode for ice cream just like I’d promised. We both got plain vanilla ice cream. She told me her shitty jokes that were just so bad you couldn’t help but laugh. “Hey Yuri, why did the chicken hide in the closet?” she’d ask. “I don’t know Ana, why would the chicken hide in the closet?” I’d answer back. “Because he’s gay.  _ Duh _ .” She never failed to make me smile. I never failed to make her laugh, it didn’t help that she’d laugh at her own stupid jokes. We would sit, at the bottom of a huge oak tree and stare out over the horizon. 

“Hey, Yuri…”

“Yeah?”

“What would you do if you’d never met me?”

“I’d be sitting in class like a good student. But I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to, or sit with at lunch. People kind of avoid me in case you didn’t notice.”

“Right, sometimes I forget, people are stupid. I wish… I wish I was normal. Neurotypical like everyone else.” 

“Why? So people wouldn’t make fun of you? How many friends did you have back home?”

“None…”

“How many do you have here?”

“One.” 

“One is more than none… so aren’t I enough?”

“You are, I just wish I wasn’t so awkward, or shy or whatever my problem is I just wish I wasn’t drowning.”

“I know Ana…”

We were silent the rest of the day, she leaned against me and cried until she couldn’t anymore. She cried until she fell asleep. I sat there, running my fingers through her hair. I carried her to the car, and took her home, carried her on my back when she didn’t have the energy to stand. 

 

“This is so important, to show people that they matter when they feel like they don’t belong. I wish this time had been like the time she broke her arm. I wish she hadn’t succeeded this time. I watched as the rest of her light fizzled out like a candle with no more wax. I watched as she fell apart, I watched her fall apart and there was nothing, nothing I could do. I hated and hate myself for not doing something sooner. But I don’t want anyone to forget about her. That’s the point of this. I think about the good she brought into my life. I think about all the good she did for others who didn’t fucking deserve it. There was nothing like Anastasiya, there won’t be anyone like her again. Someone who’s so sweet, and kind, and caring. Someone who sees a hurt animal and nurses it back to health whether its a bird, fox, or bear. Anastasiya was the best thing that ever happened to me.” I looked out into the crowd, Viktor and Yuri were there, crying but smiling. “I’m not sorry for her. I don’t pity her. I loved her. If there’s anyone I’m sad for who I’m actually pitying, it’s the ones who never got to see her light. It’s those out there who never once took the time out of their day to say hi, or make a joke with her instead of about her. You’re the ones I pity.” I take my leave off the stage and watch as someone else takes the stage. 

“Hi everyone, my name is Elena, Anastasiya and I weren’t friends, or even acquaintances, in fact her first day at school, I never offered to help. She made a fool out of herself in the office and one of my friends, made fun of her. I stood by and let that happen. I was an idiot and I never said sorry to her for the incident. She was my lab partner however in chemistry. I don’t think anyone realized how smart she was. She was on the honor roll at her old school, and had full scholarships to any school of her choice. She’d applied to Harvard Law, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford, and guess what she got accepted to all of them. I didn’t know much about her, but I’ll never forget the time she was texting in chemistry and Mister K thought that she wasn’t paying attention and called on her for an answer and she gave it without missing a beat. And she was right.” Elena said. “She was texting Yuri, she must have said something funny because she snickered at herself. I’d never actually seen her smile in the time she was here except that one time. But after that I really started to pay attention. But to her legal guardians, I’m sorry I never stood up for her. I was a really terrible lab partner.” 

No one else seemed to take the stage. I watched as the crowd looked uncomfortable. Most of them lied about how they knew her to get the pity. But did any of them go to the funeral? No, none of them went. It wasn’t until a tall male took the stage. A guy I didn’t recognize. He walked over to Mrs. Mcdougall, and handed her a flashdrive. The school fell silent, I looked out to the crowd and Viktor seemed  _ shocked _ . Did he know him? Who was he?

“Hi everyone, my name is Leo. I am seventeen, I’m from Stanford California. I’m really far from home but I wanted to talk to you about someone who was really important to me. Pictures flashed across the screen. Him and Ana, together, smiling and looking over the moon excited. “Anastasiya was my best friend in the entire world. I moved from spain to Stanford when I was in the first grade, Ana took me under her wing and promised to be friends until the day she died. She and I grew up together and she kept her promise, until we were sophomores, I asked her out, and we grew to be more than friends. When her parents died, I was shocked. She stayed at my house for a few days until we all figured out what to do. My parents made all the funeral arrangements because there was no reason for a sixteen year old to do any of that. When she found out she was being forced to move, she and I broke up. It was hard losing someone so important, but when Viktor called my mom and told me what happened it was like losing her all over again.” 

He looked at me with tears running down his cheeks. “Yuri, thank you for taking care of her, thank you for being there for her, thank you so much for being someone she could depend on to be there. I just…” His voice broke. “I just wish I’d gotten the chance to say goodbye…” He choked down a sob. “I’m… I’m sorry…” 

 

After the assembly I met up with Leo, I’d never heard her mention him. He was with Viktor and Yuuri, they were hugging and crying. How come I never met him? How come she never talked about him. They were friends, hell they dated! How come she never mentioned him. Viktor moved some hair out of Leo’s face and kissed the top of his head before pulling him back into a hug I’d never seen. When I walked up to the three of them I cleared my throat.

“Yuri! I know what you’re thinking…” Viktor announced.

“I’m pissed, who the hell are you!?” I snarled, grabbing Leo by the collar, pushing him against the wall. 

“Yuri, please don’t do this…” Viktor pleaded. 

“I want answers, now. She never mentioned you. Not once, she never even had pictures of you! You two couldn’t have been that close!” I snapped. “Do you want my pity because you’re not getting it, if you’re lying I’ll put you into the ground.” 

Leo sighed and grabbed my hand removing it from his collar. He took off a heart shaped locket and handed it to me. “My name is Leo de la Iglesia, I was born in Madrid, raised in Stanford. Anastasiya was my best friend, my girlfriend, and I was going to marry her one day-at least, that’s what I wanted.” I knew he had to be telling the truth, hell he had pictures of them together. He wasn’t faking this. “I’m really happy that you gave her a place to go…” 

I straightened up and fixed my tie. “Can… Can I take you three to the orchard. I want to raise enough money to get it cleaned up and running again. I know it’s a lot, but with your help, I’m sure we can raise the money.” I barely said. I hated this, I was standing here face to face with a boy I’d never even heard of. Ana was my best friend, she promised she’d never keep anything from me. 

 

At the orchard, I led them through the tall yellow grass, “Did she ever tell you those stupid jokes of hers?” I asked Leo. 

“Which ones?” He replied. 

“The ones about the chickens?” I offered.

“Heh, yeah she might have told them a few dozen times.” Leo laughed softly, as if he was remembering something. The sun was setting over the horizon as I led them up a hill to our favourite tree. “Time kind of doesn’t feel real here…” Leo said. He covered his mouth, like the words that just escaped weren’t meant to be said aloud. 

“No… It doesn’t, does it?” I say, weakly. 

Viktor and Yuuri stayed silent, tears forming in their eyes as they followed behind us. “This was our tree.” I said weakly. “The last time we came here, she was wearing this really beautiful sundress, she’d just gotten her cast off. We came here and I brought my speaker and we listened to music, music she’d written herself. We danced and were laughing. She tripped and fell into me and knocked me over. We laughed so hard. We looked up at the sky and…” I was staring at the ground. Something wet hit my hand, I didn’t even realize I’d started to cry. “Th-That was just two weeks ago.” I touched the tree and put my forehead against it. I wanted to collapse. I just wanted to meltdown. I wanted to break down and cry. Viktor and Yuuri placed their hands on my shoulder, before pulling me into a hug. Their embrace was just enough to send me over the edge. 

“Let it out.” Viktor whispered. 

I choked down a sob, the vault was threatening to open, I could feel my throat start to burn, and it wasn’t until I felt a third set of arms wrap around me when I finally let it out. My knees gave out and I let myself be held up by the support of the three arms around me. 

 

_ Even when the dark comes crashin' through _

_ When you need someone to carry you _

_ When you’re broken on the ground _

_ You will be found _

 

“ Well, let that lonely feeling wash away maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay. 'Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand you can reach, reach out your hand,” Viktor whispered against my hair, his own tears threatening to spill. I choked out sobs and wails, wishing just for once for life to stop dealing shit hands. I just wanted my people to be okay. I wanted Ana to be happy, I know it wasn’t for nothing. It had to be for something. How could she leave me? How could she leave!? I didn’t realize how angry I was. Angry at her for not telling me, then angry at myself for being angry at someone who had no control over her own emotions. 

After god knows how long my crying finally slowed, Viktor kept running his hands through my hair, whispering soothing words in Russian. Words that sounded so familiar, but words I didn’t know the meanings to anymore. I felt so tired, exhausted emotionally and physically. I couldn’t change the past, but I just want people to know that they aren’t alone. Not forever. High school is a blip, such a small minute part of your life, I just wish Anastasiya had stuck around to see that it gets so much better, so much easier after high school. 

“It’s not your fault, it’s never been your fault; sometimes sicknesses take their inflicted. I just wished she’d reached out for help, before it was too late… I’m so mad at myself that I never saw the signs, I’d thought that she’d been doing better. She was… wasn’t she?” Viktor asked, with a broken voice. 

“She was. So I’d thought.” 

“She was the toughest cookie I knew.” Leo whispered, tears running down his cheeks. “How much money would you need to bring this orchard back?” 

“I’ve not really put a whole lot of thought into it, but it wouldn’t be anymore than twenty thousand dollars.” I said.

“I want to fund it, completely, you can do donations or whatever but I want to make this a memorial orchard, named after Ana Banana.” Leo offered. 

“Consider it funded. And Leo keep the money, Dimytri set aside a lot of money for Ana’s education, we will use her education fund to bring the orchard back to life and keep it alive and whatever money is left over will go towards LGBT youth centers across the country, I know that’s how she’d want her money spent.” Viktor promised.

Leo smiled and hugged us all again. “I think we should call it, The Anastasiya Nikiforov Memorial Orchard. The entrance to the orchard there should be a donation box, that goes out for the LGBT youth centers underneath a picture of Ana in a way she deserves to be remembered.” Leo took out his phone, he showed us a picture of Anastasiya sitting on the ground, her violin on the ground next to her, with a large dog on her lap. A large smile was plastered on her face as she hugged the dog. I could hear her laugh through the phone, through the picture as if she’d never left. 

“I love it.” Viktor, Yuuri and I said softly. 


End file.
